New me

Today was the day, the start of another me, JEE session-1 2026

Along with the crowd of other candidates, i come out of the centre, wincing at the onslaught of sunlight on my face

I hate these girls walking in front of me, talking about how many questions they attempted

I hate it when a girl behind me finds her friend and asks her how it went

I hate those guys who look straight ahead but are clearly calculating their marks in their head

I look at everyone's faces trying to copy their expressions because I know what's waiting for me outside. Or who.

I can't look at them. I can't

They're expecting me to say smtg. They're expecting me to say what the other kids are saying, physics hard tha, maths lengthy tha...that's what they say everytime, I guess. I wouldn't know

Ma found me, the first thing she said "paper kaisa Gaya, Pallavi ne bola easy tha"

I didn't look in her eyes, i did the mundi hilao thing, it was okay, thik thaak, utna achha nhi hua, finally i said I want to go home. There were so many students, parents, sunlight on my face, i was suffocating, i just wanted to get out of there. A lot was waiting for me at home, but i didn't want to think about that yet. I didn't have the answers anyways.

We took the autorickshaw to the busstop, i wanted to run away, maybe jump? that won't do anything, only more attention towards me

So i just looked outside. Banners everywhere, come join us, AIR 3, 5. Excellence, toppers, numbers, faces, pamphlets, buildings, stop.

We reached the bus stop, more students, school going girls, asked for my phone, make a call.

I looked around. hate every student here. I hate that word even more

I hate those green blue grey black polo tshirts With their factory's brand printed at the back

I hate those Identity cards that hang around everyone's neck, those numbers describe their whole existence. Pathetic

I put on my earphones, opened Spotify and hit play, the same playlist, like every time.

Nobody stops, people keep moving, with their ID cards, where's mine

Bus

Buses are nice

Japanese music plays as i look nowhere and the thoughts start again so i write on my phone

After every exam i gave all these years, i came out a different person

Every 3hours killed some part of me that I used to know inside out. And I honestly don't recognise the girl I was yesterday.

That girl was talking about what more to life there is . She was walking on the terrace under the stars, talking to the silence. Humming some love song

Today, I'm a bitter person. I don't think there's more to life. I see children everywhere, and instead of childhood, I wonder what stream they'll choose, which exam it will be for them.

I hate students I hate teachers I hate every young person in this world

These adults, they're innocent. They don't know it. They don't know shit. If they do then they're monsters to let this go on

Or maybe I'm just bitter coz i didn't win. Their kid probably came out of the centre saying ek question reh gaya yaar. And they probably consoled him saying that it's okay, you did your best.

My parents said that too. You did your best. My bestfriends said it too. Do your best. Except i didn't, I didn't even do a little bit.

I couldn't find it. I lost my best. Somewhere along these three four years I lost everything that I had before.

While I was on the bus, it really REALLY dawned upon me, that this is it. This is me. Failed, exhausted, out of place, bitter, clueless, ambitionless. Pathetic.

I'll never get the old version back. This is me. All these failures are mine. I have to accept it. Stop pretending like I'm still the same person i was when I had an ambition. Stop pretending. But how can I?

How the fuck can i ?

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